crackerjack
Reviewer
Joined
Dec 21, 2009
Messages 135
Messages 135
Been outta the dooger-dunkin circuit waaaaayyyy to long. Pent up primordial urges have reached a crescendo. Swear I could bench press a Stegosaurus then rip off my mammoth skin and ravage a virgin up against the haunches of a T Rex. Given the rarity of said lizards, virgins and virgin lizards,,,, settled for an appointment with Mystique’s newest bride. Stuffed the little minister of sinister (aka Lil’Head) into a pair of trousers and hiked ‘er out the front porch lickety-split to see a woman about a vagina. RAW SEX! It’s not about dominating a woman, but ravishing her.
Pushed open the door to the nookie zone only to spy the main dish; a waif of a lass, madly thumb phucking her iPhone. Finally realizing a horndog was in her midst, we traded niceties and asked me to follow her down the corridor. Dropped the donation and me knickers and bee-lined it to the john’s john to polish the naughty bits to a sparkle. Returning to the room; found Gabriella once again engrossed in her gadget. Limited but strained small talk ensued as she was not one to reveal much about …. ANYTHING??!!! Helped her out of her meagre hooker wear and began pronunounced petting. All to evident trading spit was out of the question given how she constantly kept her head turned to stage left.
D I S A P P O I N T M E N T ! ! !
The boy and I soldiered on in spite of her lack of amorous engagement. Pulled her onto the mattress where the naughty fingers could get better traction. Those titties felt AAAAhhhmazing!. Allowed the digits lustful wandering on down to her nether region followed up with depraved tongue actions. Applied copious amounts of finger phucking to her mildred all the while suckling those nips. She was surprisingly receptive after the earlier soberness. Her moistness and subdued moans spurred on Lil’Head. Witnessing the boy’s vertical expression of a horizontal desire; she slapped the cock wrap ‘round the lad. Given her cadaverous size,,,had a niggling feeling it would be problematic to cram the ham into her. Fortunately the porn gods were smiling as she took a solid porking sans 911 medical mishaps. For such a tiny damsel, she sported large meaty curtains. Felt like the boy was sliding between two patties in a Big Mac.
Soullessly and with almost cyborgian mechanical determination her F*&%KING alarm went off – as she announces, “ONLY A FEW MINUTES LEFT”. Me little troll goes soft with the mood killer comment. GGGRRRRR! Managed to work the boy back up – and with stop watch precision, she does another time check.
PHUCK! More limp noodleitis.
Mere seconds left on the clock now and it’s a furious fucking to the finish line. All that pent up energy came out in a rather vocal “F-Bomb” - loud enough to blow out dental work.
Hate being rushed across the cum line.
Gentlemen,,,,,,By the numbers:
Appointment Booking: 9
Absolutely seamless. Phonegirl was all smiles, courteous and professional. She ran through the day’s erection selection in Super friendly fashion answering all my nerdy questions ‘bout the brides on schedule. Would of offered a 10 here but she was unable to reach thru the phone and give me a handjob.
Face: 7.5
Has that GND look written all over her. A youngish face with smooth clear complexion signaled virgin youthfulness. Slightly charcoaled complexion with large dark doe like eyes – complemented with black “little girlie” pigtails for that school girl look. Makes us pervs all giddy.
Body: 8
Guesstimating early 20something; 5’5”ish spit of a lass barely topping the scales at a whopping 100 lbs. Not an ounce of dougheyness. A spinnerette from every possible angle with a bod the color of a can of baked beans. She sported a whippet thin figure with an ass-tastic ass small enough to fit inside a teacup. Said glutimus minimus was FIRRRMMMMMM,,,,firm enough to crack oysters between those sweeeeettt azz cheeks. Derriere extraordinaire! A solid set of petit doll sized tits with itsy-bitsy nips rounded out the rest of the package.
Body: 2
Conversely…
Her bod was littered with an assortment of tramp stamps and nipples/navel stapled with the latest in Alt Girl doo-dads or bric-brac. Much to my chagrin; the body art gave Gabriella an aura of an aged biker broad from the sixties.
Personality: 6
Friendly, cordial, quiet natured. Probably a nice enough chick outside the subculture but not terribly interactive overall. Reminded me of a chick I once dated from CrazedList.com. Maintains a strong subdued, secretive personality and not one to take charge of an over-the-top GFE sexcapade. Suspect her man-repellant reluctance to connect may be newbie or shyness related and may dissipate with repeated adventures.
Session (GFE/PSE Fun Factor): 6
Crestfallen… is the operative word. Best summed up as a BackPages encounter without the psycho be-otch drama. Small talk was strained at the best of moments. Not the high octane, bodice-ripping, GFE experience I was anticipating. Conversely; the boy and I did not encounter an Amityville horror either but without the requisite chemistry or intensity on her part,,,, it is hard to get past a no hits, no runs type encounter.
Facilities: 6
Mid-sized room in a mid-scale condo in the midtown of our fair city. Tired décor but reasonably hygienic without any unsightly pecker tracks in the sheets or skid marks across the towels. Cleanliness of the room and shower was acceptable but not exceptional - and ‘bout the same size as an Earth closet (outhouse). Just do not expect a Beverly Hills brothel with fancy in room butt washer.
Losses:
$120.00hh for $60.00 worth of service(groan)
Repeat:
Mensa membership not required to figure this one out
Closing Arguments:
DFK – nada
LFK – zilch
LK – not a hint
Suspect tomorrow’s colonoscopy appointment will reveal a rather large obstruction,,,,,, after taking one bulbous TOFTT up the manhole. AAARRGGGGHHH!!!
Dipping a toe back in the underworld to test the waters was disappointing. Brides offering these all to common, expen$ive, lackluster experiences is why I aborted the hobby some time ago.
But to be clear as a glass of gin….at no time was Gabriella rude or did she go all “Judge Judy”. Admittedly, young girls are usually in a committed relationship with their cellphones; thus have limited experience in the flesh dept or locating a dude’s happy place - even with the help of Sherpa guides. However; she could put a wee bit ,,,,errrr,,,,,,major bit of “girlfriend” back in GFE as her GFE skills are slightly less rare than a Sasquatch sighting.
Sooooooooo,,,if you are in dire need to get the horn scraped,,,,and don’t mind an overdose of deep meaningless sex at arm’s length,,,,she’s your girl.
Be careful out there!
Good day and good farmin’
Pushed open the door to the nookie zone only to spy the main dish; a waif of a lass, madly thumb phucking her iPhone. Finally realizing a horndog was in her midst, we traded niceties and asked me to follow her down the corridor. Dropped the donation and me knickers and bee-lined it to the john’s john to polish the naughty bits to a sparkle. Returning to the room; found Gabriella once again engrossed in her gadget. Limited but strained small talk ensued as she was not one to reveal much about …. ANYTHING??!!! Helped her out of her meagre hooker wear and began pronunounced petting. All to evident trading spit was out of the question given how she constantly kept her head turned to stage left.
D I S A P P O I N T M E N T ! ! !
The boy and I soldiered on in spite of her lack of amorous engagement. Pulled her onto the mattress where the naughty fingers could get better traction. Those titties felt AAAAhhhmazing!. Allowed the digits lustful wandering on down to her nether region followed up with depraved tongue actions. Applied copious amounts of finger phucking to her mildred all the while suckling those nips. She was surprisingly receptive after the earlier soberness. Her moistness and subdued moans spurred on Lil’Head. Witnessing the boy’s vertical expression of a horizontal desire; she slapped the cock wrap ‘round the lad. Given her cadaverous size,,,had a niggling feeling it would be problematic to cram the ham into her. Fortunately the porn gods were smiling as she took a solid porking sans 911 medical mishaps. For such a tiny damsel, she sported large meaty curtains. Felt like the boy was sliding between two patties in a Big Mac.
Soullessly and with almost cyborgian mechanical determination her F*&%KING alarm went off – as she announces, “ONLY A FEW MINUTES LEFT”. Me little troll goes soft with the mood killer comment. GGGRRRRR! Managed to work the boy back up – and with stop watch precision, she does another time check.
PHUCK! More limp noodleitis.
Mere seconds left on the clock now and it’s a furious fucking to the finish line. All that pent up energy came out in a rather vocal “F-Bomb” - loud enough to blow out dental work.
Hate being rushed across the cum line.
Gentlemen,,,,,,By the numbers:
Appointment Booking: 9
Absolutely seamless. Phonegirl was all smiles, courteous and professional. She ran through the day’s erection selection in Super friendly fashion answering all my nerdy questions ‘bout the brides on schedule. Would of offered a 10 here but she was unable to reach thru the phone and give me a handjob.
Face: 7.5
Has that GND look written all over her. A youngish face with smooth clear complexion signaled virgin youthfulness. Slightly charcoaled complexion with large dark doe like eyes – complemented with black “little girlie” pigtails for that school girl look. Makes us pervs all giddy.
Body: 8
Guesstimating early 20something; 5’5”ish spit of a lass barely topping the scales at a whopping 100 lbs. Not an ounce of dougheyness. A spinnerette from every possible angle with a bod the color of a can of baked beans. She sported a whippet thin figure with an ass-tastic ass small enough to fit inside a teacup. Said glutimus minimus was FIRRRMMMMMM,,,,firm enough to crack oysters between those sweeeeettt azz cheeks. Derriere extraordinaire! A solid set of petit doll sized tits with itsy-bitsy nips rounded out the rest of the package.
Body: 2
Conversely…
Her bod was littered with an assortment of tramp stamps and nipples/navel stapled with the latest in Alt Girl doo-dads or bric-brac. Much to my chagrin; the body art gave Gabriella an aura of an aged biker broad from the sixties.
Personality: 6
Friendly, cordial, quiet natured. Probably a nice enough chick outside the subculture but not terribly interactive overall. Reminded me of a chick I once dated from CrazedList.com. Maintains a strong subdued, secretive personality and not one to take charge of an over-the-top GFE sexcapade. Suspect her man-repellant reluctance to connect may be newbie or shyness related and may dissipate with repeated adventures.
Session (GFE/PSE Fun Factor): 6
Crestfallen… is the operative word. Best summed up as a BackPages encounter without the psycho be-otch drama. Small talk was strained at the best of moments. Not the high octane, bodice-ripping, GFE experience I was anticipating. Conversely; the boy and I did not encounter an Amityville horror either but without the requisite chemistry or intensity on her part,,,, it is hard to get past a no hits, no runs type encounter.
Facilities: 6
Mid-sized room in a mid-scale condo in the midtown of our fair city. Tired décor but reasonably hygienic without any unsightly pecker tracks in the sheets or skid marks across the towels. Cleanliness of the room and shower was acceptable but not exceptional - and ‘bout the same size as an Earth closet (outhouse). Just do not expect a Beverly Hills brothel with fancy in room butt washer.
Losses:
$120.00hh for $60.00 worth of service(groan)
Repeat:
Mensa membership not required to figure this one out
Closing Arguments:
DFK – nada
LFK – zilch
LK – not a hint
Suspect tomorrow’s colonoscopy appointment will reveal a rather large obstruction,,,,,, after taking one bulbous TOFTT up the manhole. AAARRGGGGHHH!!!
Dipping a toe back in the underworld to test the waters was disappointing. Brides offering these all to common, expen$ive, lackluster experiences is why I aborted the hobby some time ago.
But to be clear as a glass of gin….at no time was Gabriella rude or did she go all “Judge Judy”. Admittedly, young girls are usually in a committed relationship with their cellphones; thus have limited experience in the flesh dept or locating a dude’s happy place - even with the help of Sherpa guides. However; she could put a wee bit ,,,,errrr,,,,,,major bit of “girlfriend” back in GFE as her GFE skills are slightly less rare than a Sasquatch sighting.
Sooooooooo,,,if you are in dire need to get the horn scraped,,,,and don’t mind an overdose of deep meaningless sex at arm’s length,,,,she’s your girl.
Be careful out there!
Good day and good farmin’
