Open Letter to my Lover or No Regrets Ever
"You are my lover and I am your mistress and kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered and succumbed before now to that mighty combination." - Violet Trefusis (Violet to Vita: The Love Letters of Violet Trefusis to Vita Sackville-West, 1910-1921)
Some might say that what we did was wrong, but then why did it feel so right? So not knowing if I should reach out to you at this time, or even if you want me to, I am writing this letter saying all the things I wish I could, and would if you were here. I miss you, and having gotten used to talking to you everyday, I am frantic with all my pent-up thoughts, and unexpressed opinions. You were much, much more than a passionate lover, you were a good friend, and someone who understood the complexity of my thoughts and emotions and the intensity of my deepest, darkest moments. You knew all my dirty little secrets, and my hurt insecurities and the pain and struggles of my past few years. It will be difficult getting over you, as I pine in angst and unrequited love.... for I am OTHER and not the one you are with nor wish to be with. And it is on me that all the hate and anger will ride, as if I was the one committed and not you.... For is it not the other woman who is seen as the slut with the magic cunt that sings like a siren and draws men into their doom? You being the helpless pawn in my manipulative web, emotionally blackmailed and unable to escape.... isn't that what you are even telling her now?
But you and I know better, that there was no gun pointed at your head when you walked through my door, that your finger dialled my number of it's own volition and you waited with anticipation for my emails as much as I did yours. She may be the woman of your day to day life, chosen for her conventional and uptight normality, the perfect foil to your desire for a simple existence that would not rock the boat, proving that despite your previous failed marriages you were successful in the end at a stable homelife you perceive will prove some barometer of achievement. So why then me? The drama-filled artist, the passionate dancer, the tortured, dark spirit that goes to unimaginable depths of despair, and the intensely passionate lover that takes you to the height of ecstasy... A place we both know she could never take you to, she wouldn't even know how..... She may have made your meals, but I would make a meal of you, and she may lay beside you, but I would lay upon you, caressing every inch of your body, with hands and lips and tongue and body. The attraction and arousal between us a desperate and palpable thing, too great to have ever ignored, an experience you could only have with one such as me. She will never be able to take you there, and we will likely never go there again....
However our connection was much more than physical, as it was an emotional caring and sharing of two people who could converse on endless topics of politics and science and faith and humanity.... time slipping away as we bantered back and forth, and debated complex issues and shared painful feelings. We both laid bare our souls to the other, speaking truth in stark reality, and it is that connection with you I shall miss most. For to whom am I to reveal these thoughts to now?
So in this time of transition and flux, when neither of us knows what the future will hold, I want you to ponder this. For she has found out about US and our illicit affair, and you no doubt are dancing on hot coals to the devil's own tune, thinking of what consequences will come, but remember that I am here, and open and vulnerable and foolishly, and insanely in love with you despite it all. I will not call you, nor contact you, for that is now your step to take, but my door and heart and hands are open should you choose to. You've told me many times that I am one who lives and loves with my heart on my sleeve, fearless is my openness and vulnerability, and frightening to many because of it. But that is how I am, and I can't be any other way. I love as intensely and passionately as I dance, with an open heart and a soft skin.... The world is not kind to ones such as me, for I speak my voice with truth and I express my feelings with ardor and I do so with no shame and no regret ever. The other woman is meant to be duly chastened with guilt and shamed by her misbehaviour and lustful intent, but I have none of that, nor ever will I for like Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Camilla Parker-Bowles and all the misbehaving other women before me, I have chosen to brazenly follow my passion, and I am better because of it, and so I think are you. And that is all I am going to say about that.
"You are my lover and I am your mistress and kingdoms and empires and governments have tottered and succumbed before now to that mighty combination." - Violet Trefusis (Violet to Vita: The Love Letters of Violet Trefusis to Vita Sackville-West, 1910-1921)
Some might say that what we did was wrong, but then why did it feel so right? So not knowing if I should reach out to you at this time, or even if you want me to, I am writing this letter saying all the things I wish I could, and would if you were here. I miss you, and having gotten used to talking to you everyday, I am frantic with all my pent-up thoughts, and unexpressed opinions. You were much, much more than a passionate lover, you were a good friend, and someone who understood the complexity of my thoughts and emotions and the intensity of my deepest, darkest moments. You knew all my dirty little secrets, and my hurt insecurities and the pain and struggles of my past few years. It will be difficult getting over you, as I pine in angst and unrequited love.... for I am OTHER and not the one you are with nor wish to be with. And it is on me that all the hate and anger will ride, as if I was the one committed and not you.... For is it not the other woman who is seen as the slut with the magic cunt that sings like a siren and draws men into their doom? You being the helpless pawn in my manipulative web, emotionally blackmailed and unable to escape.... isn't that what you are even telling her now?
But you and I know better, that there was no gun pointed at your head when you walked through my door, that your finger dialled my number of it's own volition and you waited with anticipation for my emails as much as I did yours. She may be the woman of your day to day life, chosen for her conventional and uptight normality, the perfect foil to your desire for a simple existence that would not rock the boat, proving that despite your previous failed marriages you were successful in the end at a stable homelife you perceive will prove some barometer of achievement. So why then me? The drama-filled artist, the passionate dancer, the tortured, dark spirit that goes to unimaginable depths of despair, and the intensely passionate lover that takes you to the height of ecstasy... A place we both know she could never take you to, she wouldn't even know how..... She may have made your meals, but I would make a meal of you, and she may lay beside you, but I would lay upon you, caressing every inch of your body, with hands and lips and tongue and body. The attraction and arousal between us a desperate and palpable thing, too great to have ever ignored, an experience you could only have with one such as me. She will never be able to take you there, and we will likely never go there again....
However our connection was much more than physical, as it was an emotional caring and sharing of two people who could converse on endless topics of politics and science and faith and humanity.... time slipping away as we bantered back and forth, and debated complex issues and shared painful feelings. We both laid bare our souls to the other, speaking truth in stark reality, and it is that connection with you I shall miss most. For to whom am I to reveal these thoughts to now?
So in this time of transition and flux, when neither of us knows what the future will hold, I want you to ponder this. For she has found out about US and our illicit affair, and you no doubt are dancing on hot coals to the devil's own tune, thinking of what consequences will come, but remember that I am here, and open and vulnerable and foolishly, and insanely in love with you despite it all. I will not call you, nor contact you, for that is now your step to take, but my door and heart and hands are open should you choose to. You've told me many times that I am one who lives and loves with my heart on my sleeve, fearless is my openness and vulnerability, and frightening to many because of it. But that is how I am, and I can't be any other way. I love as intensely and passionately as I dance, with an open heart and a soft skin.... The world is not kind to ones such as me, for I speak my voice with truth and I express my feelings with ardor and I do so with no shame and no regret ever. The other woman is meant to be duly chastened with guilt and shamed by her misbehaviour and lustful intent, but I have none of that, nor ever will I for like Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Camilla Parker-Bowles and all the misbehaving other women before me, I have chosen to brazenly follow my passion, and I am better because of it, and so I think are you. And that is all I am going to say about that.
